So you’re behaving insecurely with your girl, no big deal… Tens of thousands of men have dealt with this issue before. Meaning, there’s enough data to analyze to bring forth a solution. Let’s take a dive into what drives men to be insecure in their relationships, dissect it, and ultimately answer how to be more secure in a relationship.
So what does it mean to feel insecure?
The meaning of insecurity is uncertainty… It’s feeling like you’re walking on thin ice, that could at any moment break, and drop you into the deep, cold abyss of your worst of fears—in this case, losing your girlfriend.
Before we can produce and act on a cure, we must first identify the symptoms and causes. 👨⚕️
What causes insecurity in a relationship?
Pretty simple; you lack self-confidence. Your biggest worry is not losing your girlfriend.
Your biggest concern is that if she leaves, it confirms your pre-existing belief that you’re undeserving of an amazing girlfriend. And that, you can’t accept. You rather be controlling and cling on for dear life.
Think about it, if you were confident you’d know the value that you bring to a relationship. You’d know that if your girl left you, she’d be the one losing. And you’d know after her departure another girl would take her place instantly because you’re a catch! 👑
But no, right now, she’s the catch, and you fear she could realize that at any moment and leave you for someone better.
It’s all a big mind game you’re playing with yourself.
And what you don’t realize is that by clinging on to her, you get the opposite effect. She’ll want to get away because women HATE clingy insecure men. It shows that they are Beta males; Alphas don’t behave that way.
How to stop being insecure with your girlfriend: Attain confidence
The solution here is obvious, GET CONFIDENT! You must find a way to raise your self-esteem and realize you provide the same if not more value than your girlfriend.
As a man, you bring the polarity she needs. You are the Yang to her Ying, and that alone is very valuable. ☯️
On top of that, you are *unique*! Your sense of humor, skills, drive, strength, ideas, creativity, are all things that are exclusively yours.
Even if she breaks up with you, she will never be able to replace every single part of you. That’s why women often reminisce on past relationships; they miss the positive traits specific to certain exes.
I wrote an article on how to get unshakeable confidence. Check it out to start developing a complete self-image.
You’re predisposed to be a controlling man.
Look, perhaps it’s not all your fault. Sometimes mother nature gives you a particular hand, and in this case, it’s your obsessive need for control.
The Big Five Personality test is how psychologists test and determine any given person’s personality. It includes five personality traits;
- Openness to experience (inventive/curious vs. consistent/cautious)
- Conscientiousness (efficient/organized vs. easy-going/careless)
- Extraversion (outgoing/energetic vs. solitary/reserved)
- Agreeableness (friendly/compassionate vs. challenging/detached)
- Neuroticism (sensitive/nervous vs. secure/confident)
Now, what happens when you get a person high in conscientiousness and neuroticism?
A control-freak, that’s what. Combined with low self-esteem, it’s easy to see how a person with those traits can be insecure and controlling in a relationship. 🎮
This combination might be the case with you. Your constant anxiety appears to be eased, ONLY! by what always seems to work for you in other areas, complete control.
How to stop being insecure in your relationship: Realize control is an illusion
You must get one thing through your head; YOU CAN’T CONTROL EVERYTHING!
And that obviously includes her free-will…
Therefore, let go. Focus only on what you can control.
Like you, I was also a control freak/perfectionist. And one thing that helped me, is realizing how being in control is only an illusion.
If you think about it, at any time, anything you’re desperately holding on to can leave you in an instant. It can leave you either by death, economic depression, significant accidents, or even by oppression. 😰
So, develop a Buddhist type of view. Care for, but still be detached from things.
By doing so, you’ll probably even gain more because the peace of mind and clarity will allow you to be more creative.
Resulting in; better treatment of your girlfriend, more confidence in your ability, and total competence.
You’re basing your future off your past.
Ok, so maybe you’ve been hurt… You loved, and made yourself completely vulnerable towards a girl, and she pulled the rug out from under you.
So now you’ve developed this fear towards relationships and being too trusting. What you have closely resembles… Philophobia- the fear of love.
People with Philophobia have experienced deep past emotional trauma, According to Healthline.com. 💔
One that came about because of abandonment or betrayal. These people tend to enter into a fight or flight response at the mere thought of becoming emotionally involved with someone.
I know, this isn’t precisely you since you have a relationship. But you do have a mild version of this, which causes you to be insecure, overly controlling, and jealous.
However, like any other Psychological scar, this too has a solution.
How to stop being insecure in your relationship: Stop assuming her actions
Your current belief is that since this traumatic event happened once, then it will happen again, and that’s where you’re wrong. ❌
You need to realize that not all people are the same; there is absolutely no reason to think that!
And to stop being insecure with your girlfriend, you need to start believing that she’s a whole new person, one that will produce different results.
Make an effort to drop the negative thoughts, and practice mindfulness to handle them when they arise.
Philophobia is treated this way (btw); with cognitive-behavioral therapy. CBT aims to get rid of untrue negative thoughts, and turn them into positive, realistic ones.
DO NOT make assumptions about things unknown; it is pointless. And doing so leads you to make bad decisions and adopting toxic thoughts.
5 More ways on how to overcome insecurity in a relationship…
Analyze her and ask yourself if she’s the type of girl to cheat
Look, we men could tell which type of girls are likely to cheat and which are not. For example, if you met her at a strip club, then that’s a huge red flag. A woman will only do what is consistent with her self-image and beliefs.
So put your biases aside and sincerely analyze your girlfriend.
What are her views? How was she raised? Is she religious? Does her history indicate she’s a cheater? Only you know the answers.
Red flags that might indicate she’s not loyal?
- she’s always flirting
- grew up with divorced parents
- doesn’t believe in karma or God
- wears slutty clothes
- loves male attention
- isn’t traditional
- Idolizes other women who cheat
- doesn’t want to marry ever
- she does not care for family
- she’s a narcissist
If your girl does not display any of those red flags, then relax, she’s not likely to cheat. To learn more about signs that she is loyal and might be the one for you, check out this article on 20 signs she’s a keeper.
Put in work
Imagine that you had the perfect victoria secret model as your girlfriend…
Now, imagine that girl treated you like a king; constant sex, cooked meals, unlimited support, frequent compliments, loads of love, etc.
Would you ever let that girl go? Absolutely not! 👰🏻
People always want to move up, they want better, unless… They already have the best.
To stop being insecure with your girlfriend, you need to be that “best” for her. And you can do that by working hard at the relationship.
The treatment you give her has to be unlike anything she’s ever had, or even witnessed. By doing that, you set yourself apart, you become the “best”, and it would make no sense for her to go anywhere.
In fact, she will begin to obsess over you!
The dosages of dopamine you give her will keep her coming back for more. And since she’s so head over heels in love with you, you’ll be able to feel it and feel secure.
Remember, you must be consistent and over the top!
To learn how to make her feel as unique as a queen, check out my article on how to make your girl feel special.
Get your conscience clean.
Another common reason men get insecure about their girlfriends is because they have a guilty conscience. Meaning that they’re either currently cheating or have cheated in the past.
Basically, what happens in that these men believe everyone is the same as them, disloyal, and they begin to feel like their turn is coming up soon.
This feeling of guilt combined with anxiety then manifests itself in the form of jealousy, distrust, and an intense need to control. 👿
So if this is you, the first thing is; CLEAN UP YOUR ACT!
As long as you keep doing wrong, the guilt isn’t going to dissipate.
Drop any girls you may be talking to that aren’t your girlfriend, or leave your girlfriend. Don’t be with someone that doesn’t fulfill you on every level.
Secondly, if it’s something of the past, then make a promise to yourself that it won’t happen again. Everyone makes mistakes, but one can make them right by fixing up their act permanently.
Have a life outside of your girlfriend
Another way on how to stop being insecure with your girlfriend is… to have your own damn life!
Sometimes shit happens, and no matter how hard you work or how good you were, people just leave. That is a reality that you must keep in the back of your head and prepare for. And for that reason, you must have a life outside of her.
Here are a few examples of what I mean;
- have buddies that only you hang out with
- keep improving your social skills
- don’t stop achieving goals and making progress
- have a plan for your life in case she leaves
- Always remind yourself that you don’t own her
- DO NOT abandon your old friends
Those examples won’t help you keep her, but what they will do is make you confident in your ability to have a great life with or without her.
Besides, remember, women love an alpha, and having a life outside of her is Alpha Male behavior! 💪
Communicate with her
I never understood how some guys are so oblivious to their girlfriend’s feelings, that they get cheated on and never notice. Like how da f***?
Maybe they deserved it? After all, they obviously were not paying attention to their girl.
A guy that communicates consistently with his girlfriend will know when something isn’t right. And that guy needs to be YOU. 🙋🏽♂️
It’s easy, just talk to your girlfriend, ask her how she feels.
- Does she feel happy?
- Does she feel like she’s in love with you?
- Is there anything she feels is missing?
- Does she want something to change?
Your girl will literally tell you to want is wrong, both with words and body language.
And once you have that data, you can make an informed decision of whether you have her on lock or if you need to keep her close.
In a survey of 100 mental health professionals, Bad Communication was listed as the number one factor ending relationships.
With the tips I’ve given you on how to stop being insecure with your girlfriend, you can begin working on this new challenge. It is not going to happen overnight, so be patient and stay consistent. The benefits will be worth the work because your relationship will improve considerably.
Here a summary of what we went over;
- Build your self-esteem
- Let go of what you cannot control
- Do not assume past occurrences will happen again
- Analyze her; is she really the cheating type?
- Be the best she could have by putting in an unmatchable effort.
- Clean your conscience
- Have a life outside of her
- Communicate with her