If you asked a girl what personality traits she likes in a man, what do you think is the first thing she’ll say? His self-confidence right!
As young men growing up, they always tell us to be confident…
It’s almost like being confident is the magical answer to everything in a man’s life…
Here are a couple of examples, I’m sure you have stumbled upon a few of them, if not all!
- How do I get a girlfriend? talk to her and be confident
- How do I win a fight? defend, punch hard, and be confident
- How do I land a job? prepare, go to the interview and be confident
- How do I lead my team? from the front with confidence
- How do I conquer my fear? face it with confidence
So they tell you to be confident, but they don’t tell you what confidence looks like or how to get it.
In this article, I’m going to reveal to you what is self-confidence, why confidence is important, and six ways to attain it.
So what the hell is confidence?
What Is Confidence?
Here’s the definition of confidence according to Google:
(the feeling or belief that one can rely on someone or something; firm trust.)
Google’s definition is spot on, but I would add:
Confidence is nothing more than a belief or a feeling; it’s abstract, we created it to symbolize the certainty of truth towards a specific thought or idea.
Confidence is usually directed towards the unknown; like you wouldn’t say you’re confident about being alive right now, because we find that to be an obvious truth.
But you would say you’re pretty confident you’re going to get an A on your test. This is because although it hasn’t happened yet, you have good reason to believe you will achieve that A, since you have been studying your butt off.
You can also be a confident person, meaning that you demonstrate certainty in who you are and what you do consistently.
Why confidence is important to success, why does society value it so much?
Let us think in evolutionary terms to answer this question…
Imagine a man living in a small tribe 100,000 years ago; his name is Baku, and he is the appointed leader of the tribe.
The location is the jungle, and obviously, there are no grocery stores, houses, cars, running water, or law enforcement.
What they do have is wild animals, most of them gigantic and starving!
One Night as Baku and the rest of the tribe are getting ready to doze off, nine large wolves creep out of the bushes and surround the small tribe. As we would expect, the children and the women burst into a panic and quickly dash behind Baku and the other Tribesmen. Now, everyone looks at Baku for guidance.
Baku paralyzed by shock, quickly snaps out of it. And filled with adrenaline, he picks up a spear and begins to yell at the wolves, all while slowly advancing. The wolves now feel threatened and begin to back up. The other men in the tribe take notice in Baku’s actions, so they pick up their spears and follow. The wolves now feel outnumbered, so they retreat into the woods.
You see how crucial real confidence was back in the days of Baku, it meant the difference between life and death.
We can agree that was quite a good outcome, but imagine what would have occurred if Baku was doubtful or hesitant about confronting the wolves?
I can tell you, the wolves would have advanced and made dinner out of a couple of the tribe members!
Now, obviously today we don’t have to deal with as many life-threating situations as we did 100,000 years ago. But that behavior of following and trusting the most confident individual remains hardwired into our brains.
And it is for that simple reason that we value confidence so much, we understand that sticking with the most confident person means you have the highest chance of survival!
So we now know what confidence is and why it’s so valuable. But what we really want to know is… how do you attain it?
How To Get Confidence Tip #1 Repetition is King
First of all, let’s clear something up…
A confident person is not going to have a high confidence about everything, only that at which he or she has had experience in before.
Lets take Michael Jordan for instance: he is the perfect example of a highly confident individual. Michael won multiple championships, several scoring titles, and till this day is considered the best basketball player ever!
Back when he was playing, Michael’s confidence was second to none.
Michael’s insane preparation and the success that came from it was astonishing.
But what would happen if you put that confident Michael Jordan in a boxing match against prime Mike Tyson?
Do you think he would feel the same amount of confidence as he would in his element, a basketball game?
Real self-confidence comes from experience. If someone appears confident at something that he or she has never tried before, they’re bluffing, it’s a false confidence.
To build the real confidence you have to decide what you want to have a high confidence in, and then proceed to build it through repetition.
- Do you want to be confident when talking to women? Ok, then head out and talk to 200 women, and watch how confident you will be with woman number 201!
- Do you want to be confident when speaking in public? Alright, then head out and give 100 public speeches, and watch your confidence level by speech 101.
- Do you want to know how to handle hard situations? Fine, then place yourself in multiple difficult situations, and watch how calm and collected you will be in the next hellish encounter.
You see, it’s simple!
You do something over and over, and the only outcome is improvement + confidence.
And yes you will fuck up, but that’s the best part!
Fucking up teaches you how not to fuck up next time around. It also gives you the ability to manage pain and failure better.
The best thing is that you don’t have to do anything 200+ times to be confident at it.
As early as after the first time, your confidence begins to rise! But of course, the more you repeat it, the more trust in yourself and the process you will have.
How much repetition are we talking about?
According to a study done in 2009, it takes an average of 66 days for something to become a habit.
We could assume that by the time something becomes a habit to you, you should also be confident at that thing. Therefore, we can conclude that you could get confident at an activity after 66 consecutive days.
How To Get Confidence Tip #2 Realize That Failure Is A Good Thing
“I have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that don’t work”Thomas Edison
As I mentioned in the last tip, with the number of times you will be repeating a specific task, expect failure, and a lot of it!
But don’t panic, because failure is the best teacher you will ever have.
Two things to learn from failure are: What won’t work and perseverance.
Learn what doesn’t work
Every skill ever acquired was learned through trial and error…
Take Thomas Edison for example. When building the light bulb, it is said that Edison failed 1,000 times before he finally got it to work!
Edison didn’t see each time the light bulb did not light up as a failure, but rather as a lesson learned. Each time Edison failed, he knew he just had to fix something, until the light bulb ultimately lit up.
This trial and error phenomena translates into every aspect of learning, or accomplishing anything in life, there is no escaping it.
It is for this reason that you must learn to enjoy failure, it is just as crucial as success is for growth.
In fact, I will be bold enough to say that failure is far more crucial than the successful result.
Think of it like this, if by chance you just happened to succeed on the first try, then trying to recreate that success a second time will be hard and with no guarantee. But achieving success after a couple of failures, now you’ve got the formula for getting those results consistently.
Therefore, next time you pick up a new craft, go into it with the mindset that each failure is just a sign that you’re closer to success.
When you approach life with this mentality, I swear to you, nothing will seem out of reach, nothing!
Failure Teaches Perseverance
People that crumble under failure are ones with weak spirits. Most of them haven’t been through tough shit, they have no clue what they are truly capable of.
The pain of failure is very real, and it sucks. To spend all those countless hours giving what you thought was your full effort, only to end with the opposing result that you wanted, that’s a tough pill to swallow.
But just as with most other pains, if it happens enough times, you ultimately become numb to it.
And that is what failure teaches you: to grow indifferent to the pain of failure and keep pushing forward, this is called perseverance.
The confidence that comes through perseverance is unreal! Because you will quickly realize that most people will give up, but not you. You will stay strong and be the last one standing.
You will be the winner in the end!
How To Get Confidence Tip #3 Attain A More Profound Sense Of Self-value
The real reason people doubt themselves and fear failure… is because they have a minimal perception of their self-value.
These people’s main fear is that once their expectation of failure occurs, then that will be proof that their already pre-existing belief that they are not good enough is true.
For that reason, these kinds of people rather avoid action. They rather keep living under the rationalization that they are “good enough” because they don’t fail.
Don’t be that person! That is not a confident person, that’s a coward!
Successful and confident people understand two essential truths
- Self-value does not come from externalities like money, success, or recognition, but rather from an internal source.
- Failure is part of the process that builds confidence. As a result, it doesn’t lower or raise your self-value.
Understand these two concepts, and your reality will change.
Personally, once I adopted these mindsets my life changed drastically for the better.
Now when I fail, I understand that it’s not because I’m not good enough as a human, but rather that I need to develop the skill further and fix the mistakes to succeed.
I no longer feel afraid of being rejected by women. I don’t beat myself up over an unsuccessful business idea. And I rarely ever judge myself for making a mistake.
It feels liberating, and that’s what real confidence is all about. Knowing that nothing can stop you, only you can stop you. And you too can achieve this by adopting the mindset!
How To Get Confidence Tip #4 Gather Knowledge
Back when I was 19 years old, I had no idea how to talk to girls. The thought of speaking to a girl and showing her that I had an interest in her scared the hell out of me!
I felt if I spoke to a girl I would look stupid by messing up…
But me being me, I had to find a solution, and that’s when I decided to search on Youtube… I searched for any information that could teach me how to talk to girls, and I found tons of it!
There were channels upon channels of guys and even girls explaining how to talk to, and seduce women. Some channels even showed infield video of the guys going out and picking up girls, it was great!
After hours on Youtube, watching pickup artists seduce women left and right, I thought to myself… “this is pretty doable.., if these methods are working for these guys then they could work for me too!”
Now, feeling pretty confident about talking to women and getting their attractionNext thing I knew, I was out there in malls and at schools talking to girls and getting their numbers just like the Youtubers.
You see, by gaining the knowledge on how to do the desired action, in my case picking up girls, it boosted my confidence dramatically.
We are all so fortunate to live in this age of instant information.
There is a very high probability that anything you want to do, someone else has already done. It’s probably posted as a video on YouTube and you have to go find it.
So if you desire to get good and confident at something, it is your job to find where the knowledge is and consume it.
There is a reason for the cliché “knowledge is power“, because it is the truth. With knowledge comes confidence, and confidence is the key to power!
How To Get Confidence Tip #5 Build a backup of past accomplishments you can access when needed
What would happen if a lawyer fighting a case came to the jury without evidence? He would not be taken seriously right? No matter how much he tried to convince the jury of his point, the jury would not believe the lawyer.
Now think of the jury as your subconscious, and your conscious awareness is the lawyer.
No matter how much your conscious awareness tries to convince your subconscious that you are confident, your subconscious will not believe it if there is lacking evidence.
For that reason, it is your job to build a database in your memory that will serve as evidence to your subconscious. It will tell it that you are indeed that confident bad mother fucker you say you are.
Once you do this, your subconscious will step out of your way, and you will no longer hear that little voice in your head telling you that you’re not confident.
You can do this by going out and taking action on all the scary things. By doing so you will slowly get rid of all fears, and you’ll store these glorious memories into your brain.
Doing this will get rid of the imposter syndrome. Your whole being will believe you’re truly confident, down to your soul!
How To Get Confidence Tip #6 Visualize Then Execute
So what if you’re a newbie, and you’ve never done anything difficult?
Is there no hope for you?
Fortunately, we humans possess the power of visualization.
And yes I’m calling it a power, because once you learn how to use it, you will unlock a tremendous amount of potential you did not know you had.
Visualization basically works by tricking your brain.
Your body can’t tell the difference between something being imagined and something real, that is why you get scared during horror movies, even though you know it’s fake.
So, when you imagine yourself (in detail) completing whatever it is you need confidence for;.. your subconscious will believe it’s a task you’ve done before, and the confidence that arises will be real.
As an example, let me tell you what I do whenever I need to seduce to a pretty girl.
If I am going out with the sole purpose of talking to a girl, then before I even spot the girl I will:
visualize myself talking to her, and in a very detailed manner. I will imagine everything I’m saying, everything I’m doing, and all of this with confidence.
What ends up happening is… I literally act out everything exactly how I imagined it a few minutes before in my head. My brain believes it is something I’ve done before, so it is easy for me to repeat it.
This visualization technique can work with anything—talking to girls, doing a presentation, performing in a competition, and even changing your future mood.
This technique is so powerful that even the legendary athletes like Conor MacGregor, Mohammed Ali, and Michael Jordan utilized it.
To do it just picture vividly and in detail what you want to do, and how you’re going to do it. Then proceed to believe 100% that the way you imagined it, it’s precisely how it is going to happen.
Remember, confidence is nothing more than a belief or a feeling, no one is born with it, and everyone is capable of attaining it! GET that confidence by following the tips I’ve given you above, which are:
- Engage in the constant repetition of that in which you want to be confident in
- Realize that failure is the map to success
- Have a strong sense of how valuable you are and true confidence will be a side-effect of that belief
- Build a back up of past accomplishment that will let your subconscious know you’re a bad motherfucker
- Visualize yourself in detail being this confident succesful guy and your will is going to make that image come true